THE BEST CHRISTMAS LETTER EVER!!!!

I happened to come by this christmas letter by way of an email from one who will remain anonymous, but I felt that it definitely needed to be posted for a wider audience to view, although I think we have a following of possibly two to our blog so that may be as wide as the audience gets.

Names have been changed out of a small courtesy to the authors, but the photo had to be included for full effect. Notice the use of a fake backdrop of the capital, unusual considering that these Washington Elitists are in walking distance of the REAL one.

WARNING: after reading this you may be nauseated.

--Penguin



Dear Family and Friends:

Well, another year has quickly come and gone, which brings us to a grand total of 1.5 blissful years as a happily married couple. We don’t pretend to know the secrets of life at this stage, but hope to be able to shed some light on the subject this time next year.

But seriously, since it's Christmas time, we thought: “Hey, why not jump on the tacky-sentimental bandwagon and write everyone a letter about our lives?!” So here we (and you) are. Get ready to be wowed, because this young couple with no kids living in America’s most dynamic and powerful city has a LOT of free time on their hands! We hope to impress you with our travels, experiences and self-indulgences the way only an aspiring politician and beautiful young Washington executive can! So sit back, pull up chairs for the rest of the family and put on your best reading glasses… its go time!

OK, with an introduction like that, it’s only fitting we start with my lovely wife, M. Aside from her busy church calling in the Primary (children’s organization) Presidency, M is still gainfully employed at one of America’s “big four” accounting firms, PricewaterhouseCoopers. She is living the life of a young, married professional as an Executive Assistant in the employ of one of the firm’s top producing partners, and currently works at their client location of Sallie Mae. M has been with the firm for close to 3 years, and visits more high-priced lunch venues with her team than I do as a lobbyist!

Don’t let the high-priced steak lunches at Morton’s fool you, however. M still wants to become a mom more than anything else, and would gladly give up the high-life for a chance to stay at home changing dirty diapers and picking up after her messy husband! But alas, the stork failed to bring us a delivery in 2006, despite our best efforts and practice in the art of conception. Wondering if the plumbing was operational (as many of you are no doubt asking yourselves), M and I both visited 2 of Washington’s best fertility experts who couldn’t give us a reason for our lack of children, and encouraged us to keep trying the natural way. Oh, I know. Some assignments are so difficult!

As for yours truly, I have been working for more than a year as a lobbyist for the American Public Works Association – which is a small miracle coming from someone who has a resume longer than Bobby Brown’s rap sheet. But don’t let the impression of job stability fool you, I have recently been offered the opportunity to work at the Department of Homeland Security as an Assistant Director in the Office of the Secretary (I know, we’re big on long, meaningless titles here in DC), which I have accepted. After I finally inform my current employer, I expect to start sometime in early January. But if you want to know anything else, if I told you, I’m afraid I’d have to kill you! Oh, I also have the distinction of serving in the church Primary as a teacher, where M can boss me around legitimately and get away with it (as if she can’t do that already)!

Together in 2006, M and I have racked up close to 100,000 frequent flier miles! The first half of the year had me traveling to such exotic locales as Winnipeg, Canada and Topeka, Kansas, while M sat patiently awaiting my return. But traveling wasn’t all business. We visited Utah twice, once for M’s sister N’s wedding and once for my sister B’s wedding. We also were fortunate enough (thanks to frequent flier miles) to spend a week in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, where we frolicked in the crystal blue waters and white sand of the Caribbean while sipping on virgin margaritas and piña coladas! Most recently, we visited San Diego, where we again visited Mexico and Disneyland. But the main purpose of that trip was to spend time with my family for Thanksgiving. It was a bit overwhelming with so many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews – but M handled it like a veteran.

For Christmas and New Years, M and I will be spending the holidays here in Washington, DC, which will be a first for both of us (me in my 10 years of living here and M in her 4th year). We’re looking forward to the White House Christmas tree, ice-skating on the National Mall and the multitudes of bad drivers clogging the freeways with holiday cheer.

As for 2007, we have no agenda, but, should the stork continue to pass us by, have secret plans to visit Europe (again, on frequent flier miles) to stalk the homes of our ancestors. The plan is to find strange and odd-sounding names to bestow upon our unfortunate, future children. And, finally, we wouldn’t be proper East Coast elitists if we didn’t extend an invitation to each of you to visit us out here during the next year. We love to entertain, so please, take us up on the offer and come see all that Washington has to offer: Beautiful scenery, monuments, history, bad foreign drivers, congestion, high prices, road rage, terrorism, bad weather… Merry Christmas!!!

Being cute and silly aside (yes, I just called my own writing cute), we wanted to share with you our strong testimonies of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Let each of us remember the reason for this most extraordinary of holidays. Share the spirit of the Savior with your loved ones, and His message of peace, joy and love with all of those who have special meaning in your lives.

Love,
The J's